Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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