got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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