The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
