Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
