do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
