that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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