I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
