Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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