when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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