Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
