If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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