so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
