there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
