Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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