tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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