i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
