Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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