Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
