What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
