I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
