im about as happy as oj after his trial
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
