I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
