Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
