its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
