A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
