Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
