you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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