nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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