Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
