i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
