I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Success! We fucked roommates!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
