Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
