i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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