If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
