There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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