Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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