Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
