Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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