dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
