I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
