Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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