I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
