too bad you live with your parents still
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
