dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
