i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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