Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
