Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
