can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
