the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
