It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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