I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
