i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
