the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think people are normalizing furries
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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